November 16th 2015.
Yesterday I had a breakdown on the train home from my new job at Lush, which resulted in one passenger actually approaching me and asking if I was okay. How embarrassing…This was when I knew I was losing myself and forgetting the reason why I travelled to Australia in the first place.
So now it’s time to sort myself out, and quick…
Last week I had my heart shattered into a million pieces by my holiday romance that got too serious too soon…
We met during an Oz group tour in June. Which is when I first arrived in Australia. And even since then we have been travelling down the East Coast together, doing farmwork together, and was even invited to his family wedding in Hawaii this month. In which I happily accepted and attended… We were becoming more than a holiday romance. Well, at least I thought we were up until now…
He finished it in a kind and mature way to begin with, because he knew it would be complicated in the future, which makes sense to most. As he’s from Scotland and I’m from Essex. But when you’re blinded by infatuation, you tend to ignore these things. Especially me…
And now the contact has completely stopped. I text him to ask how he’s doing. I get no response. I try to ring him, no response. So now I know it’s time to accept the closure and move on as quickly as I can, and just embrace the memories we shared instead of feeling bitter about it. This is going to be a hard process.
I guess it’s his way of dealing with it – just blocking everything out and forgetting I even existed.
Men don’t tend to cry themselves to sleep or talk about breakups, especially to their new hostel friends whilst they try to make a good impressions all over again… But I also feel like he said all those nice things just to keep me happy and simply send me on my way. Now it’s just very clear that he doesn’t care as much as I thought, and that’s what hurts the most. As I put my 100% into people I care about, and end up caring too much…
I’ve also stopped the contact, otherwise I feel like I’m giving myself false hope, only to receive disappointment. After the contacting stopped altogether, it finally sunk in that it was officially over. On the other hand, if I still cared about someone, the least I would do was ask if they were ok…I guess deep down it is easier for some people to completely block someone, it’s just hard to accept it because you’re so used to them being by your side 24/7.
So after feeling like a desperate idiot and crying on the train home from work, I knew it was time to stop trying altogether – before it sends me over the edge. Chasing someone is not an idea of a healthy relationship, and I feel that even though we were passionate and enjoyed each other’s company, none of it was healthy. As infatuation makes you do and believe silly things…I stupidly fantasised, whereas he was just being realistic.
Even though I so wish he would contact me, even just to say ‘Hi, how are you?’, deep down it’s probably best if we both left each other alone before it gets too much.
This is going to be an extremely hard process for me, especially after how many memories we’ve made together and how much effort I put into us. But I know, in order to get my independence back, I have to think about number one – Me.
At the moment I currently feel lost. Uncomfortable. Reaching out for help and advice from other travel friends, along with my UK friends and family back at home.
I’ve realised however, that instead of reaching out to others, I should also be reaching from within myself, as only I know how to deal with my emotions. No one else can fully heal me, apart from me…
I’m currently living with my Aunt, Uncle and cousins here in Sydney, hence why I’m not living the hostel life like he is at the moment.
I guess I should be grateful for this, as it’s saving me so much money for my next journey, and I have a beautiful house to live in whilst I heal back to myself again.
I’d rather be surrounded by home comforts rather than meeting new people with tears in my eyes and a broken heart… I want to bring out the best in myself when I start to meet new travel buddies again!
So at the moment, I should appreciate that I have a full time job at Lush, and getting to know my lovely colleagues – as I’m actually EARNING money whilst socialising! It’s better than spending it on lots of nights out to drown my sorrows, as I know that wouldn’t be good for me…
I had a reassuring two hour chat with my family last night, with a glass of wine in hand, tears streaming down my face. I’ve jotted down briefly the most important things they said:
-Take these 8 weeks* to find your inner happiness and to heal in a home surrounded by family. (*My Lush contract ends on 29th January in which I will have enough money to set off again!)
– Relax, plan your next journey without any setbacks. Go for a run, do Yoga, and enjoy the hot Christmas as well as the beaches.
– Use this time to earn money and get back on track on why you came out here in the first place.
-Do what’s best for you. Even if that means staying in on a Saturday night and watching Netflix. If it makes you feel better, then so be it.
-Take your own advice and not constantly ask for external advice.
– Sometimes wearing your heart on your sleeve is a weakness as well as a strength. You’ve found a weak spot here by getting too attached to someone too soon.
– Don’t plan too far ahead in the future, as it could get stressful. Live for the moment, and just concentrate on one week at a time.
– If you want to cry, then cry. This is all part of the healing process. Holding back will make it worse.
– Don’t give up your travels over a man. Seriously. Don’t.
– See this as an amazing experience and treat this as a little blip and a fun detour along your set path. In your head, THANK him for letting you go, as this will give you back the independence to do whatever YOU want to do. Deep down this is a blessing in disguise.
– Don’t be a follower. Make your own way and then see if anyone else wants to join. Not the other way round. You will feel stronger for it.
– When it comes to men, if someone doesn’t want to commit, then it’s not worth all your effort. Therefore try to remember it as just a bit of fun, no matter how much you wish it went further.
– If someone really wants to be with you, they will face all complications and not give up on you. End of story.
So there you have it! I’ve appreciated all the advice I have received, and will take them into account whenever I have an emotional outburst.
But I must remember to do what’s best for me, be happy with who I am and what I want, before I let someone else in…and God dammit Amy take things slow!
It’s time to heal, and continue my journey solo. Even though that sounds scary right now, it will help me grow.
Have you had your heart broken whilst travelling? Or are you a solo traveller who is willing to give some advice? Feel free to share. Would love to hear your stories.
Amy Lee x